“Why must they torment my purity?”

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A man was left devastated today by the world class competition and A+ broadcast production of a WSL World Championship Tour event. The man, who sat at his desk unable to find the off switch on his computer or simply stand up and walk away to do something else, was forced to endure incredible tube riding, paddle battles, come from behind victories and expert analysis – at no cost whatsoever – for an excruciating six hours. “It’s just bullshit, the WSL has ripped the heart out of surfing. They don’t have a clue what they’re doing,” he said while checking his form on the WSL Fantasy Surf League group he competes on with his childhood friends. “The sad thing is it’s corrupt and the big three control the whole thing,” he added while opening a beer with his Mick Fanning Reef thong that he bought shortly after Mick’s third world title win because Mick is a goddamn Australian sporting icon. The man, who reads books, was also incensed that his suggested improvements to the WSL – detailed in the comments pages of various surf websites – had been wholly ignored. “I dunno, ay. It just seems to me like pro surfing peaked in the 70s and nothing good has happened ever since,” he lamented before adding, “Be sick if Mikey Wright wins the comp but.”

Vaughan Blakey