How To Make A Pink Zombie Pig Mask

Stuff made for the sake of making stuff

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Halloween is just around the corner and thanks to Tony Abbott making a deal with the US government men to get our kids addicted like little junkies to processed sugar, Australian’s are now embracing this once despised custom like never before. While I’m opposed to almost everything in the entire world, I have to admit I don’t mind drawing, sculpting and writing songs about dead shit, especially dead shit that comes back to life. So I figured “Hey, Rocky needs a mask for his year two Halloween school parade and I have a column due on making stuff… let’s kill (or bring to life if you will) two pigs with one stone and make a pink zombie pig mask.” It was logical so that’s what I did.

Everyone knows the greatest zombie in human history is Dr. Frankenstein’s monster followed closely by Michael Jackson (who died shortly after recording Thriller but was reanimated using electrified white voodoo paste that was smeared all over his face and body – sadly the paste didn’t work on his music post Thriller). By and large though, human zombies suck compared to animal zombies which are far creepier and way more likely to be brought back to life through black magic rather than some stupid virus, which is the human zombie reanimation method du jour. Rocky and I chose a pig as our zombie animal for two reasons. 1. We had heaps of pink gaffer tape 2. There is no second reason.

Step 1. The first thing you need is a tub of yoghurt big enough to fit on your child’s head. IMPORTANT: Empty the yoghurt before you put the bucket on your child’s head, unless he has nits, in which case shave his head, set fire to everything you own and move into a vacumn sealed white box suspended 80 meters above the ground by a giant crane.

Step 2. As well as your yoghurt tub you’ll also need three disposable dust masks (which you can get from anyone at the airport who’s still afraid of bird flu), a $3000 Versace knitted sweater (which you can get from Nathan Webster’s walk-in wardrobe), an elastic band (which you can get from the pile of Failure to Vote for Government Men fines you have on your kitchen table), a sketch book cover (which you steal from any uni student who’s fallen asleep on public transport), an espresso in a takeaway cup (call Robbie Warden on 0407 924 788 and get him to grab you one from Zumbo in Newport), some super crazy fluro pink gaffer tape (which you can get from the Hell Fire Club on Regent Street) and some Posca pens which you can get from the good people at Mitsubishi.

Step 3. Take your pink gaffer tape and stick your child to the wall so they don’t move. Cut some plastic ears out of the sketchbook cover and line them with fabric from the Versace sweater. Stick the ears to the bucket with more gaffer tape then drink some espresso so that you get super wired and start to feel anxious for no reason. Take two of your dust masks and draw giant bloodshot eyes on them with the Poscas while cutting sharp teeth into the third. Finally cover the espresso cup in gaffer tape, punch two holes in the end, attach the elastic band and slide over your child’s head. Once in position pull the cup/nose as far from your child’s face as the elastic band will allow and then release. The ensuing slap/screeching will give your pink zombie pig a wailing intensity necessary to complete the outfit.

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Ozzie Wright