How To Make A Tropical Beach Alien Communication Centre Full Of Bloodsucking Vampire Bats That Probably Have Rabies

Hi there folks. If you’re one of those dinosaurs who still buys magazines then congratulations,because you’ve just picked up the only print title in the world in which I have my very own column. It’s called Making Stuff with me… Ozzy Wrong, and it’s all about improving your life through the making of stuff. What sort of stuff? Stuff like a Tropical Beach Alien Communication Centre and stuff.

You may be wondering – “How does a Tropical Beach Alien Communication Centre improve my life?” The answer can be summed up in two words. 1. Aliens. 2. Rule. For one thing aliens live in space which is a long, long way from humans doing horrible things to one another and, for another thing, aliens surf. Anyone familiar with Einstein’s theory of general relativity knows that space-time is constantly pumping with sick waves meaning alien’s can shred neutron stars and black holes orbiting each other at any time in history all at the same time. It literally could not be any easier to understand.

Anyway let’s get this thing made so we can talk shit to our little green buddies from the far reaches of the nebula already!

1. First thing you’ll need is Noa Deane and Mitch Coleborn. Noa has chunky ankles and Mitch has a ginger beard and moustache, crucial elements to have around when communicating with other life forms. You’ll also need a boat that can take you to a ramshackle, dilapidated, long abandoned shack somewhere in Indo that’s populated with bloodsucking Vampire bats that are likely infected with rabies.

2. Once you and Noa and Mitch reach this shack pull out your cans of spray paint and begin the interior decorations. Be sure to write positive messages – after all, we may need a ride off this planet if Syria keeps using chemical weapons, the US keep bombing them and Russia starts bombing the US, because then everything would suck to hell a lot worse than it already does.

3. Once you’ve finished the interiors, hit the outside of the Centre with a nice sign that clearly indicates that a major scientific renovation and upgrade has taken place. If you’d like to take advantage of a little business opportunity on the side, why not get a little Kopi Lewak stall to sell caffeine to passing surf charters? There’s so much money in coffee.

4. Once your Tropical Beach Alien Comminication Centre is complete, it’s time to get down to the serious business of communicating with the aliens. My fellow scientists Noa and Mitch decoded some fascinating extraterrestrial language frequencies from Planet Zorb proving the facilities are top notch and state of the art tech. And what did these aliens say you ask? They wanted to know if we had any weed. Intergalactic stoners.

Ozzie Wright