Ever since Jesus invented cameras back in 1102 BC, people have used the device to capture images of themselves standing in front of things. The Eiffel Tower, Niagara Falls and the fake Ayers Rock on the highway just outside of Newcastle, have long been popular things to be photographed standing in front of, as are departure gates at the airport and fountains… in parks.
But what’s the point of having a photo of yourself standing in front of something that everyone else has already been photographed standing in front of? Wouldn’t it be better to be photographed standing in front of something nobody has ever stood in front of? Sounds impossible but this is easily achieved if you know how to make your very own photo wall and today I’m gonna show you exactly how to do it. Bling noise!
1. Cameras exist so that we don’t have to rely on our actual memories. There’s no point in using your brain when your camera phone can retain all that stupid thinking necessary for human survival. Also your brain can’t surrender all your personal info to the government men, whereas your phone tells them who you talk with and what you’ve been photographed standing in front of with up-to-the-second accuracy. A healthy society needs to be monitored so that any reasonable ideas – like less money being spent on Ministerial perks and more being spent on Indigenous healthcare – are beaten into submission by men in uniforms brandishing clubs. Heil Abbott!
2. The first thing you’ll need to create your photo wall backdrop is a nice big frame. I used an original Brett Whitely that was hanging in my auntie’s Vaucluse mansion, but feel free to grab Caravaggio’s or Basquiat’s as they also liked to work with canvas on a grand scale.
3. Staple gun an old sheet (I got mine from the man who sleeps under Narrabeen Bridge) to your canvas, then affix numerous stuffed toys, cardboard planets, flowering vines and lightning bolts to the periphery. Add giant orange flames to scare off zombies and mozzies. Just like that, your backdrop is already better than anything you’d get on a trip to Europe… and that’s including Euro Disney.
4. Every photo wall needs a figurehead. If the Queen and the Emperor of Japan are unavailable the next best thing is to create a kind likeness of your ladylove and place it at the centre top of your backdrop under a rainbow with a flaming green peace sign in the middle. But I mean, that’s so obvious I don’t even know why I bothered to mention it.
5. Finally, you’ll need someone with a camera to come and shoot you and all your weird friends standing in front of your masterpiece getting wasted. I’d recommend Hollywood from Monster Children Magazine but he’s way too expensive. However, you can always give Robbie Warden a call on 047715842. He’s pretty much up for anything.