How To Make An Anti-Bad Vibe Shield


So one day a year or two ago Harold and I were sitting at home looking at a pile of bills when it occurred to me that bills fully suck ass. For one thing you gotta pay them or some invisible finger will turn off your power, kill your phone and cancel your license all while simultaneously sticking itself deep into your anus canal. The whole process is super depressing so I felt like I needed something to lift my spirits and ward off all that money grabbing evil. That’s when I happened to notice 25 balls of different coloured yarn and four broom handles just sitting there in the corner of my room. Harold was like, “Yo man, you should make the biggest anti-bad vibe shield in the history of the world… then we should go get burgers.” As usual, Harold was right on.

First off, me and Harold used the broom sticks to have a Monkey Magic-style staff fight in the lounge room which I won convincingly with a couple of rapid fire pin point blasts right across his eyeballs. Then I created an axis with our broom handles so that I had a wheel-like frame with eight evenly spaced spokes. Harold was instantly impressed. “That looks awesome already dude,” he said. I agreed because Harold is always right.

I began threading my cotton wool around the frame starting from the middle and slowly working my way out. Within five minutes I had totally forgotten about the bills and was captivated by meditative calm this new creation was providing me. “Ozzie, you’re totally ripping the Zen,” said Harold and guess what? That mad bastard was right again.

While threading the middle part was easy, getting to the wider sections of my shield required around about 500-800 repetitive squats. “Haha! Boy are you gonna be sore tomorrow!” laughed Harold and by the time I’d finished I could barely walk because my thighs and glutes were near paralysed from severe overuse. Once again Harold had called it. He is the smartest fucker I know.

When I finished my anti-bad vibe shield I cut out a small mantra for myself and placed it in the middle. Though the whole process took less than a day the making of it had served its purpose by distracting me from paying my bills. I hung my anti-bad vibe shield above front door then Harold and I went and got burgers. I ate Harold’s burger for him because sadly… Harold is not real.

Ozzie Wright