How To Make An Excalibur Unicorn Vessel…

Stuff made for the sake of making stuff

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One of the more hilarious discoveries I made during my first week of high school was that you could choose pottery as a subject… to study… and get good at. I remember thinking, “How many kids have chosen this path with dizzy dreams of becoming the world’s finest potter only to be swept into the gutter like so many broken vases once the realisation hit home that being good at pottery is absolutely useless?” Don’t get me wrong, I’ve devoted my entire life to the pursuit of uselessness, so I still love making things with clay. Which brings us to today’s project: How to make a unicorn bong, pig headed incense holder and Grim Reaper ashtray.

1. First of all let it be known that I don’t smoke reefer. Never been into it. But that didn’t stop me and almost every kid in my year from making a bong the moment we were given a block of clay on that first day in pottery class. Most were rudimentary pipe-like shapes without much imagination. Mine was a brilliant white unicorn with ribbons of golden hair who ate firey weeds and released sticky sweet smoke from his butthole. I called him Excalibur and he was magnificent. 

2. I figured if Excalibur was going to blow putrid hooch fog from his anus he’d need a little incense holding piggy friend to mask the smell from the CIA, or the government men, or the aliens or whoever else reefer smokers get paranoid about. So I made my little piggy and stuck the incense sticks into his eyes, just in case his eyes were actually cameras spying on me for the FBI.

3. The Grim Reaper ashtray speaks for itself. I made this as a reminder to whoever uses it that they are going to die soon. It’s my little contribution to help people to quit. You’re welcome Quit Smoking campaigns. 

4. I realise none of the above is very instructional but I encourage you to use your imagination when it comes to moulding clay because really, nobody cares what you’re making except your mum. Also, remember to put your clay in a kiln at some point, otherwise, just like Excalibur, piggy and Grim Reaper, they will eventually sag into a sad pile of mud.

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Ozzie Wright