How To Make Werewolf In A Leather Jacket Surfboard Wax

Stuff made, for the sake of making stuff

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What’s the one thing you never seem to have in a time of crisis? If you answered, “Werewolf in a Leather Jacket Surfboard Wax, I could not agree more. The good news is I’m here to show you how to make it so that next time your horse explodes, or your dreams burn down or you’re stuck at the beach with a potato scallop that has no traction, this little bad boy will be right there at your side to solve all your problems.

THE INGREDIENTS – Everybody knows that surfboard wax is made up of four basic ingredients… 1. The sap from an enchanted willow tree. 2. Candles from Goldie’s second birthday cake. 3. Standard run of the mill Afghan hash oil. 4. A tuft of fur from a Jack Russell that has accidently eaten magic mushrooms. All this should be easy enough to find so let’s not waste any more time and move straight to process.

Step 1. Take all your ingredients and put them in a giant black medieval cauldron over a low flame. IMPORTANT: You do not want this gear to boil! It’ll spit and spatter all over the place and smell like Shrek shit. Don’t cut corners and use a standard kitchen pot over a gas burner either because as we all know that’s not very magical.

Step 2. Wait and watch until everything has slowly liquified, then begin chanting hush toned in an ancient tongue preferably from some time between 400-600 BC. As the waxy potion begins to heat up be careful not to breathe in those sticky sweet hash oil fumes either because that gear will bake your brain faster than you can say, “Anyone keen to drive to 7-11 and get a servo pie?”

A moment of encouragement: You’re a great person and heaps of people really like you. And you know what? You’re doing a great job making this wax so far. Good for you!

Step 3. Take a goblet and scoop scalding molten (but not boiling) liquid from the cauldron then walk over to where you keep your werewolf wearing his leather jacket chained up and pour the hot wax over his head – don’t worry he can take it, only silver bullets can kill this puppy. Resist the urge to breathe in more fumes while you wait for your wax to set.

Step 4. Once cooled, peel the wax from your angry werewolf friend then repeat the process only this time using your goblet to fill your cast instead. Put that shit in the fridge and eat that bit of cucumber you just noticed on the second shelf. Give it an hour, pull out your brand new Werewolf In a Leather Jacket Surfboard Wax, rub some on your shred sled then sell the rest of the batch for 6.5 million dollars to your friends. Then watch every crisis in your life dissipate to nil. If all that sounds like too much work you can always buy a block on vampiratesurfboards.com

Ozzie Wright