Ozzie slams on protest board numero quatro. (Bielmann)

Shoot Rainbows Into Fascism

We all know how I feel about the corporate giants of this world shamelessly paying off the war mongering political stooges so that our kids eat more sugar. And we all know how off it I am when my smart phone surrenders my bank details, fruit ninja scores and surf selfies to the government men. It blows my mind how openly willing we are to surrender all our privacy to these huge companies with their petrochemical and genetically modified seedling agendas just so we can buy the latest Neil Young album protesting GMO on itunes (instead of having to walk down to buy it at the record shop which no longer exists thank you very much Apple). Well, recently I decided enough is enough. I put my phone on the driveway and backed over it six times then I dropped a brick on it, set it on fire, flushed it in the toilet then threw it in the microwave for half an hour for good measure. Then I packed the car and moved the family to the NSW North Coast to write protest songs and paint protest surfboards, the latter of which is what we’ll be making for this month’s column.

1. The first thing you need when you make a protest surfboard is an ethically responsible shaper. I got my board from fellow Narrabeen ex-pat Joel Fitzgerald who, just like me, has also grown weary of modern life with all its techno trappings and lack of felt hats. Fitzy traded his iphone in for a lemon tree, which he sings acoustic folk songs too every afternoon on sunset. When he’s not doing that he shapes beautiful single fins. Order one at joelfitzgerald.com.au

2. Once you have your Fitzy single it’s time to paint your anti-everything-evil slogans. I went with a few basics. Hell no GMO. Love your Mother Earth. Shoot Rainbows into Facism. May Peace be in your Eyes. If I had more space I would have added “You can’t eat coal but you can eat mushies!” but that might have to go on the next one.

3. A protest board needs plenty of colours so that a) it gets plenty of attention when you walk down the street and b) so that people on acid fully trip out when they stare at it. I also added a few protest motifs like the yin and yang, a smiley face, a peace sign, a peace dove, the planet Saturn, some cresent moons, a couple of stars, a cloud, some red lightning bolts, a highway bending around a classic North Coast point, and some pretty flowers for my lady so that she doesn’t hate me for microwaving her phone.

4. Once your protest board is finished it’s important to remember NOT to go surfing on it because nobody can read your protest slogans when you’re flying down the line running over people at The Pass. Just walk around Byron or Nimbin with it and accept the praise of all your fellow like-minded protesters. Then join a drum circle and become a vegetarian.

Ozzie Wright