Wavepool Filled With The Tears Of Kelly Slater

Kelly Slater, 45, Cocoa Beach, the man known as creator of the Surf Ranch, must shed tears of joy to fill his own wavepool – or it will explode, it was uncovered today. Last month, Slater invited top surfers to trial his artificial wave in Lemoore, California in a first-ever spectacle dubbed the ‘Future Classic’, which was followed by gentle sobbing from a very excited 11 x World Champion, and a cascade of perfect man-made barrels. According to the WSL, “This moment was the culmination of more than a decade of hard work,” and what must be a lifetime of hankies. Further affirmed in today’s video where an emotional Slater admits, “I saw how overwhelming this project was. It was terrifying.” Later on, Kelly was reported to have leaned over the pool’s edge as a solitary micro-tube rolled down his cheek. Thereby replenishing any driblets lost during Kanoa’s session. The phoenix weeps. The unicorn bleeds. Can you hear the dolphins cry?

Hugh Wyllie