Illustration by Nanda Ormond

What Would Ozzie Wright Say If He Could Talk To Trees?

The unlikely truth revealed!

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SW: You wake up and you’re Kelly Slater. Describe your day?
OW: I can’t believe I don’t have nits, whoa, and I’m really good at Pipeline! I’d just go and shred Pipeline all day or maybe win some comps and some Titles. Or hang out with Eddy Vedder and jam some ukulele.

You have to surf in one WCT event next year. Where’s it at and how do you go?
Tiny Macaronis. Yago Dora wins, I lose. Or maybe Uluwatu on the racetrack. Machado wins, I lose.

You discover you can talk to trees, what do they say to you?
They do talk to me on special occasions. They are very calm and even if they are stuck on a hideously congested intersection, they say, “Be. Just be.” That’s what they’re always on about. I’m like, “Be what?” And they say, “Be cool, man.”

You go back in time and meet yourself as a 14-year-old. What advice do you give the younger you?
Just go for it. Go for adventure after adventure. And make sure you surf your brains out every chance you get. Learning how to shape boards at that age would be good advice, I’d try and make myself learn a lot more skills. Cooking, building, foreign languages. I’m pretty happy with my decisions. Could have done more, could have done less, friends and family are pretty important to me and I’ve had a lot of good times with them. When we get old we’ll have plenty to talk about.

Which number is better, 12 or 37?
Thirty-seven is obviously way better than a dirty dozen because it’s three dirty dozens plus one absolutely filthy mongrel.

You can only surf one board at one wave for the rest of your life. What do you choose and where?
Log at the pass, just a blissful way to surf if you are an elderly citizen. No clean-up sets, a bit crowded, but it’s a pretty wholesome scene. Nice long waves so I can think about my whole life while I cruise down the point. I can think about words in French that I should know the meanings of. Plus, it’s Mylee’s favourite wave and that means we can surf together till the end.

You’re the editor of the New York Times for a day. What’s tomorrow’s headline?
“HALLELUJAH! We, the first world citizens of Earth, have decided to stop spending money on weapons and war, and decided to put those resources into feeding and housing the poor people of the world! HALLELUJAH.”

Hollywood makes a big budget remake of Doped Youth. Which A-list actors get the roles of…

Kingswood Black: Clint Eastwood.

Shanghai Sex: Matthew McConaughey.

Arsenick Pharoh: Dumbeldore.

Cyanide Sphinx: Vince Vaughn.

Ricky Sick: Whoopi Goldberg.

Johnny Sick: Cameron Diaz.

Slinky Fox: Bruce Spence.

Augustus Peeblebly: John Cleese

Groovey Avalon: Tom Cruise.

Greasy: Russell Crowe.

Lemmy: Steve Martin.

The Cameraman: Nicholas Cage.

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