JUST IN: KELLY SLATER INVITES ENTIRE WORLD TO SURF WAVE POOL

Kelly Slater, infinite years old, Florida, turned the surfing world on its head today when he invited everyone in the world to surf his Kelly Slater Wave Co Wave Pool Surf Ranch Wave Making WSL Thingy TM… ALL AT ONCE! Baffled by rumours that only a careful selection of highly paid, wave greedy, pro surfy mates and sycophants would be surfing in his first ever trial event at the fake inland sea shaped like a giant rectangle, the GOAT responded by throwing open the gates of his aquatic fun park to everyone, everyone in the entire world, even North Korea. “I find it extraordinarily hard to believe that there are people out there, online trolls and comment board haters and probably Danny Johnson too, who think that I would try and rope off my precious for a few Hollywood A-listers, supermodels, Eddie Vedder and a handful of colleagues who are notorious for burning regular folks at every spot around the world whenever the best set of the day rolls in. It is my dream is to shut down that sort of elitist behaviour and give everyone in the world a chance to surf a perfect wave without the fear of getting cooked by Gabby or Parko or worst of them all, Steffy Gilmore,” a source pretending to be Kelly said. As expected the reaction from the entire planet has been one of nuclear-level froth and at the time of publishing the WSL was already leaking the first fully censored and edited clips of everyone in the world surfing the Ranch all at once. The future looks bright indeed!