How To Make An Epic Rocukan Bali Kite To Ward Off Evil

Welcome to this week’s Making Stuff column live from Bali where I am currently hanging out with my family while my house goes mouldy. This month we’re making a kick-ass epic Rocukan Bali kite. Kites are a big deal here. They are made by different villages all over the island as a tribute to the Hindu Gods in hope of rich crops and bountiful harvests. There are three traditional kites flown in Bali: the Bebean (fish shaped kite), the Janggun (bird shaped) and the Pecukan (leaf shaped) kite. However the Rocukan kite will be in the shape of a bat.

Step 1. To make a good Rocukan you will need the following. Several pieces of whipping bamboo from under Cowboy’s bed, three garbage bags (two black, one red), some masking tape and some paint pens. You may also need a glass of water if you are thirsty.

Step 2. Get your whipping bamboo and ask your girlfriend to give you several lashings for being a naughty. Then lay your bamboo in a shape that looks the most aerodynamic. I was inspired by blueprints my distant ancestors Orville and Wilbur but if you think you have better ideas then by all means go for it.

Step 3. Once you are happy with your frame cut out the garbage bags in the shape of a bat and stick it to the frame with your masking tape. I like my bats to be massive so that when it’s flying in the air small dogs get terrified. I don’t care for small dogs. I’m more of a cat person.

Step 4. Get your paint pens out and draw crazy sharp teeth and massive eyes on your bat just in case those little dogs don’t get the message. After you’ve finished doing that ask your girlfriend to lash you several more times with any leftover whipping bamboo. Thos won’t do anything but it is kinda fun.

Step 5. Take your epic Rocukan to the beach and throw it in the air. If it doesn’t fly immediately set it on fire and go surf Racetrack.