Does My Bells Fantasy Surfing Team Deserve A Big Ol’ Locker Room Spray?

If you’ve been following the Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach this Easter, you’ve probably noticed the utter destruction that’s become of World Champs, past Bells winners, and highly touted favourites at Australian surfing’s most iconic event. The most earth shattering destruction, however, has been reserved for my Fantasy Surfing team.

We now cross live to my Fantasy Locker Room, for my Fantasy Surfing team’s post-round 3 Fantasy spray:

Tone: 90s AFL coach Terry Wallace in the documentary, Year of the Dog

Present: Tier A surfers Julian Wilson, Filipe Toledo. Tier B surfers Mick Fanning, Jordy Smith, John John Florence, Adriano DeSouza. Tier C surfers Matt Wilkinson, Caio Ibelli

“Alright lads, take a seat… SIT DOWN! What on god’s name is going on out there? You do realise that you are surfing for the three time premiership team of my inter-office Fantasy Surfing League and that a certain level of professionalism, an expectation and pride comes with surfing for this team? Have we looked like a workplace league winner at all this year?! I am getting mocking emails from co-workers and being laughed at! We’re getting beaten by the British guy in accounts, and he’s never even set foot in the ocean. And I’ve had a gutful, A GUTFUL! This goes for everyone here… except for you Mick, obviously, good on ya, ya legend. And Wilko, for a Tier C surfer, getting through to Round 4 is more than enough, but we both know you could have won here again. But the rest of you, oh boy…

Julian, where’s Julian? Julian, mate, how’s the shoulder? Does it feel alright? Cause it didn’t look like it at Bells this year! Julian, this was your year. You and I both know that you are so underrated here at Bells. You and I both know that you could win the World Title this year. You had the dream opening with your Snapper win, a little bit of consistency in your game and the whole year is yours. Every single heat is a World Title final for you. You. Can. Never. Switch. Off. Not against Pat Gudauskas in Round 2, not ever. I still believe. Brush this one off, mate. If you’re in tier B next event, consider yourself back in the team for Margarets. Tier A and I’ll have to have a long hard think about it.

Filipe Toledo, you lost in Round 3 to a firing Italo Ferreira… fair enough, fair enough, Italo is a good surfer. But guess what? You’re better. Losing to a firing Italo is normally fine. BUT IT’S NOT FINE WHEN YOU’RE A TIER A SURFER IN THIS TEAM!

Alright, Tier B, fellas, take a look at Mick, would ya? The guy can hardy paddle, his right arm hardly functions after all the posters and t-shirts and babies he’s had to sign this week, and he’s rooming with the Harrington twins for goodness sake, but still he’s out there and giving it his all for this Fantasy Surfing team.

Jordy… where do I even begin mate? You are the best Bells surfer in the world at present, THE BEST! And you are the defending champ here. But you lost to a rookie. A rookie sponsored by Piping Hot no less. And don’t you dare blame sliding scales, don’t you dare blame anyone but yourself. You lost. You have the ability to put a heat like that beyond doubt and you didn’t. And if you complain about the judges, you are disrespecting Wade Carmichael, and you know what? He loves it. He wants you to disrespect him, because he knows he can beat you now, and beat you at a wave you are the best in the world at. If you think I’m picking you again in anything but Tier B for the rest of the year you are sadly mistaken my friend. Hit the showers!

John John, hey buddy. Tough out there isn’t it? That wasn’t fair, was it, the way Zeke Lau bullied you out there, not fair at all… well, I’m sorry to say that this won’t be the last time that happens to you. You’re the back to back World Champ, you are the man with the target on his back now… and there is more of this coming your way. Fire up and be ready!

Adriano, Conner Coffin got you in Round 2, you don’t need me to tell you what to do. I see you watching every heat, every single day of the comp, studying studying studying. You’ll come back from this one, mate. I’ll see you at Margarets.

Ahh, Caio Ibelli… you were my secret weapon. A finalist last year, and all the way down there in Tier C. Guess it just wasn’t to be this year. And I guess it’s just not meant to be for me either this year after our piss poor performance at Snapper and here at Bells, *Sigh*.

Can anyone lend me a dollar for a hot jam doughnut in the carpark… I’m broke, and lonely, and sad. Fantasy Surfing is all I have. And I’m not sure I even have that any more. A Bells carpark hot jam doughnut will make it all better.”