ENTER THE GATEWAY TO THE 69TH DIMENSION

As anyone who’s been deep in the barrel at Desert Point after a giant plate of magic mushrooms will tell you… gateways to other dimensions exist. I’ve had the good fortune to go through many. Some, like the 27th dimension (or as it’s known in spirro circles – the land of the eternal orgy with fluro green-skinned three-titted nymphos), are quite nice. Others, like the 38th dimension (aka, the deep dark hole full of flesh eating dumpster rats) are not so nice. However, almost all of them in some way swing the doors of perception allowing you to glimpse ever so briefly into the metaphysical realms of both heaven and hell.

The sad news is, not everyone has access to a five kay long, barrelling 10 foot reef and a paddock of hallucinogens. So this month’s making stuff is all about helping you create a gateway to the mythical 69th Dimension – also called Neverana.

1. First thing you’ll need is a Click standing room fan and a Black & Decker vacuum cleaner. According to my nephew Pip (who is somewhat of an appliance brand aficionado), making dimension portals relies heavily on the make of your household white goods. Pip says while Fisher & Pykel make a damn good hoover, B&D is a no brainer for the 69th Dimension.

2. To make your gateway (or portal) you’ll need to create a scenario in which the fabric of time is ripped and natural laws of the universe are compromised. Do this by pointing your Click fan towards the centre of a room and switching it on. Then, get your son (which in my case is Rocky) to stand in front of the fan with the B&D vacuum, flick it on and suck all the air being created by the fan straight into the nozzle of the vacuum cleaner. Something should instantly feel unnatural and worrying about this entire scenario. That’s because if anything goes wrong a black hole could form right there in your loungeroom destroying the entire universe as we know it.

3. If a Black Hole doesn’t form then at some point the gateway to the 69th Dimension should appear. It might appear behind the fridge, in a loaf of gluten free bread or possibly in the form of a visit from Joel Fitzgerald. On this occasion it formed in the shape of a hole in my roof, which coincidently was the exact size and shape of a hole I’d made the day before trying to fix my TV antenna.

The 69th Dimension is a good first dimension to visit because it’s actually pretty harmless. They call it Neverana because it’s a bit like a Banana that never had any banana in it, just a hollow peel. But Pip rates it because he says white goods need to be taken more seriously. Particularly Meile hair dryers. But they lead to whole other dimension I don’t have time to write about here.

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