Ozzie Wright Shows Us How To Make A Baby Eating Caterpillar
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Allow me to invite you to light a stick of incense. Sit in the centre of a giant circular Aztec Calendar rug and spray yourself in the face with some lavender mist. Take six deep breaths. As you breathe out release your hatred of the government men and the people who invented television. Clear your thoughts and quell the vibrations. Make contact with your love chakra. Embrace peacefulness. Stay right there. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh
Feels nice, doesn’t it? Now, I want you to conjure, if you will, a single fantastical creation that has the potential to alter the course of all human life on this planet for the better, liberating us from the greedy, soul sucking consumerist hell we are all currently drowning in. Focus on that image. Did you picture a giant baby eating caterpillar? Great! I did too. Here’s how to make one.
1. A monstrous six legged baby eating caterpillar may seem like a controversial idea at first but believe me this creature has the power to be everybody’s spirit animal. After all, the caterpillar is symbolic of pure potential, of personal evolution, transformation and patience, all things that come in pretty handy when you discover that a $180 parking ticket has been placed on your car while you were in the RTA shelling out over a grand to get the freaking thing registered. Deep breaths… Release the hatred… Welcome the caterpillar… Aaaaahhh…
2. So the first thing you’ll need is a sleeping bag, which you can find in the lost and found department of any metropolitan bus terminal. Soak it in 100 proof disinfectant for a few days to kill any parasites and dilute the overpowering tangy stench of urine. Once your sleeping bag is clean go to the Vampirate Surfboards factory and, if you can stand the overpowering tangy urine stench of Mark Gnech’s shaping bay, ask him for a second hand board. Slide the board into the sleeping bag and spray paint the whole thing with multi coloured polka dots. Just like that, you have your caterpillar abdomen and somewhere in the world a soldier has put down his gun and hugged a flower.
3. The next thing you need to do is attach the legs. I simply got three bits of wood, summoned the strength to snap them in half by thinking of Tony Abbott being our Prime Minister, then nailed those six planks into the surfboard base using my closed fist as a hammer. On the end of the legs I put work boots and sneakers so that my caterpillar could do kick flips and/or play in a Cold Chisel cover band. Instead of traditional mandibles for a mouth I attached comically oversized razor toothed swinging jaws, then topped the whole thing off with a cardboard box covered in curly red hair and two bloodshot eyes instead of the usual 12. Finally ,I attached a couple of Stegosaurus-like plates to the spine and next thing you know World Peace was declared. Don’t thank me, it was all too easy.
4. Of course you can’t have a baby eating caterpillar without feeding it a baby. Thankfully I had one of those lying around too. Goldie wasn’t all that stoked to be eaten alive but after I explained that the caterpillar would soon enter a cocoon and emerge as a gigantic butterfy she still seemed terrified and wanted nothing to do with it. So in the end I just destroyed my caterpillar with an axe and the planet continued on its downward spiral to oblivion as if nothing good had ever happened ever. Hope you have better luck than I did.