Twister: Who’d Win A Nipple Cripple Fight Between Gabby & Asher Wales?

ASHER WALES: Freesurfer, Bongo Player, Lord of Dance

SW: Who would win a dance off between you and Napoleon Dynamite?
AW: That’s like trying to beat Occy at Bells… ain’t gonna happen.

You wake up one morning inside the body of Donald Trump. What’s the first thing you do that day?
I’d pull the wig off and take a selfie.

Which number is better? 12 or 37?
I like 12 better. 37 is super aggressive. Also nobody buys a six pack of eggs, you always buy 12. Good things come in a dozen. What’s good that comes in 37?

Hook hand or peg leg?
Hook hand. At parties you’d be that dude with a hook hand! How good would that be? What a novelty! You’ve got one working hand, and one to crack tinnies.

You and Dimity Stoyle start a disco cover band. What’s your band name?
I’m 100 per cent on the congas. Dim can play any instrument really good, but I’d say she’d be on the strings. She can spin tracks too. Our band name is The Washed Up Disco Rollers. And we rock platform rollerskates with goldfish in the heels.  That’s a given.

You can teleport yourself into any session from any surf movie in history…
Woah… It has to be Doped Youth. I’d be happy to not even have a surf seggy, just walking around in the background and shit. Maybe the Washed Up Disco Rollers could get smoked at the Battle of the Bands.

If life was a dance move, what move would describe you best?
Right now? A face plant to the floor.

You’re the editor of Surfing World. Who’s on your first cover?
Oscar Laing, with the coverline “Grom in 60 Seconds.”

It’s the movie of your life. Who do you cast to play Asher?
Teenage Danny DeVito would play me. The title is Rise, Fall, Rise, Fall-Fall. Because that’s how life works. You get older and it gets so much more shit.

Kelly Slater wants you to play bass on the follow up to Feeling the feelings. You down?
You’d have to wouldn’t ya? I’d back it, definitely. Track, music video, you name it, champ. I’d be in Kelly’s band, right? Sweet!

You have to challenge one surfer from the WSL top 32 to a nipple cripple fight.
Medina. I’d beat him 100 per cent. I use the bee sting technique where you put your thumb under your index finger and pinch with your middle finger. That’s the death grip. You can’t get out of that! Then twist and rip it off. I’ll call him out on it. May the best teet win.