Illustration by Nanda Ormond

A Short List That Includes Kai Neville’s Recount Of The Best Wave He Missed

And the theatrical hand gestures that followed…

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SW: You have to spend one day of your life as a cast member from Cluster… who is it?
KN: Probably Dane – I’d rent a private jet with his credit card and bolt to whatever world-class righthand point was firing. It would be fun to surf that well for a day.

Which number is better, 12 or 37?
Twelve, it’s everywhere if you look.

You can get any living artist in the world to soundtrack your entire next film. Who?
Nick Cave & Warren Ellis, It would be a masterpiece.

Cigarettes and flipping the bird become outlawed, what do you fill your lifestyle shots with now?
Duck dives and shakas…

Cluster wins Best Picture at this year’s Academy Awards and Noa Deane takes the stage to accept the award on your behalf. What’s his speech like?
He’s wearing an oversized long sleeved Mudhoney tee, flipping the bird, tongue out, selfies with Bruce Jenner, basically having a hell time being a kid in and amongst a whole lotta stiffs.

Taylor Steele, Jack McCoy, Albe Falzon and yourself go camping in the South Australian desert for two weeks. What’s the one thing besides a love of surfing and filmmaking that you all have in common?
A love for Australia.

You travel to the year 3000 only to discover that surf movies are…
Watched using a helmet with an internal screen and booties with sensors. 

You’re given the chance to shoot one wave from your entire career that you missed. Who is it and from where?
Mitch Coleborn at Macaronis so he can stop describing it with theatrical hand gestures.

You are contacted by Hollywood to direct the big budget blockbuster of the summer. What’s it about and who’s in it?
My Hollywood summer smash? Wipeout starring Bradley Cooper playing a washed up former pro surfer now L.A. detective living in a Malibu trailer park. His life spiralled out of control ten years earlier following the accidental death of his wife. Drunk and overweight he spends his weekends roaming sunset strip for cocaine and hookers. It isn’t until his best friend and former partner is murdered that he finds himself paddling back out in the ocean for the first time in ten years for a childhood promise to spread his partner’s ashes. Recognised by some local surfers he decides to ride a wave back in. Boom! Surfing fuels him, he gets another… cue epic surf montage and tears… Through surfing he gets his impeccable rig back and hunts down his partner’s assassin. Hollywood bitches, Lethal Weapon with waves. I forgot to mention he’s assigned a new partner, Mila Kunis, they shag in a cop car towards the end. Great viewing.

You call yourself as a 12 year old and give yourself one bit of advice. What is it?
Don’t rush. It’s a marathon not a sprint. Enjoy this time and go shred.

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