How To Make The Famous Banana & Chocolate Cake

Stuff made for the sake of making stuff

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One of my absolute favourite things to make is my famous banana and chocolate cake. It’s a very balanced cake spiritually thanks to the yin of bananas and the yang of cocoa. This is my own personal recipe, perfected over many years of baking these suckers. Disclaimer: This cake is actually only famous in my mind when I’m eating it.

INGREDIENTS
½ a thing of butter
¾ cup of brown sugar
2 cups of self raising flour
2 eggs
1 block of dark chocolate
2 ripe bananas

Step 1: Put on a cool Guatemalan apron and compliment that with a rainbow headband. I also recommend playing Seasons in the Abyss by Slayer at full volume to give your cake some death metal badassness.

Step 2: Melt your butter into a bowl and then beat in the brown sugar like Dave Lombardo beats those double kickers in War Ensemble. Melt down your chocolate into that shit as well.

STEP 3. After you’ve worked all that into a fine paste chuck in everything that’s left – the flour, bananas and eggs. Stir that gear up and marvel how something that looks heaps like a bowl of gorilla fingers will be the tastiest thing you’ve ever eaten in less than an hour.   

Step 3: Grease up your cake tin by lining it with butter then pour your gorilla fingers in to about the 1/3 mark. Have your oven on about 180 and slot your cake in on the top shelf. Then start pulling out your hair because you already want to eat your cake but you’re gonna have to wait at least 40 minutes.

Step 4: Soon as I see the roof of my cake split I wait another 15 minutes then rip that thing out of the oven and shove it straight into my mouth, often suffering internal third degree burns because it’s that bloody molten hot. If you have the patience to let your cake sit for a while, maybe whip up some cream and get your girl to lick it off your nipples to pass the time.

Ozzie Wright