Illustration by Nanda Ormond

Hypotheticals With Hulk Davies


SW: You wake up inside the body of Filipe Toledo. What’s the first thing you do with your new spindly mini-frame?
JD: Man that’d be interesting to be 60kgs again, I don’t think I’ve been that weight since I was three. The first thing I’d do is get a 5’6” find the cleanest reeling ankle to knee high right point, Snapper or somewhere in Mexico, and go absolutely HAM sandwich in those tight little pockets. That, or I’d have a go on those tube slippery slides in kids parks. I haven’t fit in those for a long time.

Which number is better, 12 or 37?
They’re both great numbers but I have to go with 12. Every day of your life is an adventure and a new discovery when you’re that age. Everything comes to life when you’re 12.

Who plays you in the movie of your life and what’s it called?
I’d have to say George Clooney, only because I’m totally going grey. I shaved my head the other day and it’s growing out silver. The movie would be called Silver Fox. George might have to hit the protein shakes in preparation for the role.

You can qualify for the 2016 World Tour or play in an AFL Grand Final winning team. Which do you choose and why?
Far out… to play for West Coast in a Grand Final at the MCG and thrash the shit out of Geelong… That would be an amazing feeling. Thrashing any Victorian team would be great. But you know what? I didn’t play a lot of footy when I was a kid and to be on tour for a full year, in the waves they get to surf with only a couple of other guys out, that’s been the dream for so long so I have to go with that.

Taj Burrow challenges you to a nipple cripple contest. Who wins and why?
Haha! I’d win just because my arms are twice as long as his. He’s a determined little prick though, he’d give me a good match, but he’d be pinching my elbows and I reckon I’d rip his nipples clean off.

The world has an awards show and you win something. What’s the category title that’s seen you edge out over six billion people?
I’d be the first human male to devolve back into a silverback ape. So I’d win the Devo Award.

You’re Prime Minister for 24 hours. What’s the first thing you do?
Politics is not my shit at all. Um… I’d lower taxes for the hard working families out there. That’ll at least get me re-elected.

For the next year you have to sport either a beard, top knot, felt hat with a drop necked singlet, or an 80s saxophonist flat top with ponytail combo. Which do you opt for and why?
Haha! I’m going 80s sax ponytail flat top all day long but only because I look awful in singlets. I can’t wear them.

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