Illustration by Nanda Ormond

Hypotheticals With Reggae Elliss

SW: Gerry Lopez and Nat Young challenge you to a ski race. Who wins?
Reggae: Me. They have the disadvantage of being snowboarders.

You never worked on surf mags. Describe your life and where you are today…
Hosting a morning talk-back radio program. You don’t need talent or have to do research or have a knowledgeable opinion. You can abuse people and get paid a heap to do it. Look at Ray Hadley.

You edit the highly Aussie centric SW in the 2000s and publisher Doug Lees suggests giving Kelly Slater his first SW cover. What’s your response?
I’d ring up Jon Frank and he’d send me an incredible photo of a hardcore underground Aussie charger no one’s ever heard of and we’d run with that.

You wake up one morning with an American accent. Describe your day?
I’d just cruise around greeting strangers with, “Howdy, how’ you doing?”

You’re the new Australian Prime Minister. First law you pass?
An aggressive emissions trading scheme combined with a carbon tax. It’d not only work but it will piss off Cory Bernardi and Barnaby Joyce.

Which number is better, 12 or 37?
12. Only one syllable so it’s easier to say.

You and SW publisher Doug Lees start a tribute cover band. What’s it called?
We’re called the Aint’s and we’d cover the Saints. Given Doug’s experience as drummer in seminal Sydney punk band Progression Cult, he’d be drummer, so I’d have to play three-chord rhythm guitar in a piano tie.

You’re live in the Triple M studio and your guest is Donald Trump. First question?
The Art Of The Deal, Time To Get Tough, Think Big and Kick Ass. What’s your next book? Something like “How To Pick up Women and Keep ‘Em Happy”?

You can re-call any heat from your 30 years of commentating the Rip Curl pro at Bells. Which is it and why?
Parko versus Andy, semi final in 2004. Parko is the best surfer at Bells I’ve seen and he was on fire that day, low tide Bells Bowl at four feet and he scored a 19.5. But, as all good commentators say, “I’m not a judge”

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