(Brunton)

What If Pama Davies Could End Nuclear Warfare?

HYPOTHETICAL – The Unlikely Truth Revealed
Pama Davies, 21, Free Cruisin’ Bondi Lad

SW: Parmigana or chicken schnitty?
PD: Chicken Schnitty. With pepper sauce on it. But more likely a falafel wrap because I stopped eating meat.

Harry Bryant bowl hair or Martin Bryant mass murdering psychopath surfy guy hair?
Harry’s bowl. I suppose it’s his thing, I can’t picture him without it. But I used to have an unintentional bowl cut when I was in year 7. I think I had it for three years. Thanks Mum.

You can surf any session from any surf movie in history, what’s it to be?
The Japan typhoon session from Dear Suburbia with John John. That was psycho.

If you ran a backpackers tour of Bondi, name three rules that must never be broken?
1. Don’t look at your phone when you’re crossing the road, because the people driving are looking at their phones too. 2. You can pretty much drop in on anyone you want. 3. Steer clear on Sundays. It takes 20 minutes to get from Tama to Bondi.

Illustration by Nanda Ormond

If your hand could turn into a little horse, would you let tiny little jockeys ride it?
100 per cent. What else are you going to do with it? I wouldn’t race it though. I’d be hanging out with him. It’s probably a pretty lazy horse. I don’t think it would be jumping hurdles. Just a cruisin’ horse.

Kelly Slater invites you to surf ONE wave at his wavepool, but you have to kill a koala and wear it’s skin as a hat for a day. You do it?
Nup. Wouldn’t bother. Kelly Slater’s wave is not that important.

It’s the movie of your life, who do you cast to play the lead role of Pama?
Jonah Hill at his fattest, that would be hilarious.

You wake up inside the body of Mick Fanning, what’s the first thing you do that day?
Do I have his wallet in my pocket? I’d get his credit card (which would be my credit card) and drain it. Or maybe just catch one bomb out Snapper and feel what it’s like to surf like Fanning.

The only thing that can stop nuclear war between the US and North Korea is if you kiss John John Florence. You giving him a bit of tongue action?
I’d make out with the bloke. One small sacrifice. Who knows, I might enjoy it?

You never surfed. Describe what your life looks like today…
I’d be a carpenter knocking off work right now. Or maybe a musician. I’d do some button pressing computer sounds. Digital glitch. I’ll go boot up my laptop now, hopefully it makes some noises.

Hugh Wyllie