Pimp My Tea Bag With a Dead Rock ‘n’ Roller


Let’s face it dudes, we live in a coffee driven consumer society. Anybody who is everybody is always looking for useless plastic to buy while Jonesing for espresso great whites or triple shot Al Capuccinos. How are you supposed to shop without that hot pot of buzz tar clearing the tonsils? Well I’ve gone sour on the idea of being just another product zombie standing in line with the millions of other dead brains waiting for my caffiene fix which has probably been spiked by the government men anyhow. I recently decided to never buy anything ever again and I’m brushing coffee to indulge in the far more dignified pursuit of drinking tea. I’ve also customized my tea bags which you are welcome to do also if you send me a dollar every time you do it.

1. A quick walk through history… Not many people know this but tea was invented by Mr T – a famous muscular and mohawked American action hero who played Clubba Lang in Rocky III. Mr T thought coffee made him too aggressive and so he invented tea to chill out a bit. Since I’ve been drinking tea I’ve only been down to south Bungan to throw boulders around in an uncontrollable rage once, so the calming effects of tea could not be more science.

2. There are two popular ways to prepare tea. The first is in a pot, which may remind you of a funny little dance your kindy teacher made you do in front of your parents when you were six. The other is in a tea bag, which you can also turn into a flaming flying tea bag rocket at home if you happen to be a tea bag rocket scientist, or just a regular rocket scientist.

3. No imagination goes into tea bags. They’re basically a little square of paper holding onto a tissue sack full of herbs. So it’s important that your customised tea bags make you feel inspired and nobody is more inspiring than dead rock and rollers. Sid Vicious, John Lennon, Bon Scott, Lou Reed, Dee Dee Ramone, John Farnham… these are the guys I want having little hot tubs in my tea when I’m trying to chill. What’s that? John Farnham is still alive? Ha! As if.

4. Once you have your customised tea bag it’s important to show them off. Create a tea room and invite all the artistocrats, politicians, dignitaries and high rollers in your teledex to come scope your fine art and sample your Nick Drake Earl Grey, or your Keith Moon English Breakfast. I tell you nothing gets the socialites tongues wagging like a successful morning tea. Then go for a paddle and glide on without the gross adrenal OD that will be shutting down everybody else’s nervous systems. You’ve finally made it brothers and sisters. You have reached a Ghandi-like state of calm. And what did Ghandi drink? You guessed it. Goat’s milk.

Ozzie Wright